Hercules and The Forbidden Planet
by GillyRose
Summary: Hades explodes with rage when he learns that the only planet named for him...is not a real planet after all while Herc and the gang try to cheer him up.


**Hercules... And The Forbidden Planet**

_**First written in 2006 when astronomers announced the official downsizing of the planet Pluto**_

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_**Hades hurls the newsparchment down to the floor and explodes into a colomn of flame. Up on earth, Mt. Vesuvius, Mt. Aetna and Krackatoa all erupt simutaneously.**_

_**Hercules...**_Hades...good sweet Zeus... what's _Wrong?_

**_Hades..._** **_What's Wrong?_****_What's Wrong?_** Some son-a-of-a-bitch stole my planet! *That's* what's wrong! don't you ever read the papers, Jerkules?

_**Herc...**_huh?

**Hades shoves The Greekly World News under Herc's nose.**

_**Herc{ reading}..."**_Disney announces their new DVD sequal scheduale, _Snow White_ III through XXI and _Cinderella_V through VXII to be released summer of 2008 along with the Disney Channel Special _"Valient_ _Meets Chicken Little" _...in addition, _"Black Cauldron...The_ _Musical" _opens the following Christmas...wow... I can see why yer ticked..."

___**Hades...**_**_No, _you **&%$# teenaged _moron_! "THIS!"**

New Definition of a Planet  
The International Astronomical Union (IAU) voted on an official definition of the word "planet" at their general assembly on Aug. 24, 2006. Celestial bodies must meet the following conditions in order to be classified as planets: (1) The object must be in orbit around a star, while not being itself a star, (2) the body must be massive enough for its own gravity to pull it into a nearly spherical shape, and (3) the object has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit. The last criterion is the one that led to Pluto's demotion. While the exact parameters of "clearing the neighborhood" have not been set, the other planets have either assimilated or repulsed most other objects in their orbits, and each has more mass than the combined total of everything else in its area. The same cannot be said for Pluto, which has turned out to be one of many objects in it's orbit. Pluto is Out!

_**Herc...**_oh wow...well... lookie here...whatta ya know...

**Enter Icarus and Cassandra**

_**Icarus...**_Hey _Buddy**Boy!**_...whatsup? Howya _doin'?_... what's the good word? And... why is _lava _coming out of Hade's ears?...I mean...more than _usual?_

___**Hades...**_Well, I-

_**Herc...**_Here... look at this. Pluto's been demoted!

**_Icarus..._**Pluto? What's a Pluto?

_**Hades...**_If you _must_ know, Pluto is-

**_Icarus..._**...Oh, wait!..._**I**_ know, I know!... he's that big fat dumb horney sexist sailor with the anger issues who keeps stalking Olive Oyl! _...never_ learns his lesson and _never _gives up!

**_Cassandra..._**I can relate.

_**Herc... **_Icarus, we're not talking about **_Bluto_**...we're talking about... _**"PLUTO!"**_

_**Hades...**_I said, _**"Excuse Me"...**_

**_Icarus..._**Oh...yeah...right... you mean Mickey's idiotic knobby-headed yellow cartoon dog? ...that dumb bell who gets on everyone's nerves?

**Cassandra**...speaking of dumbells...getting on nerves...

_**Hades...**_What a _fascinating_ conversation this is.

_**Herc...**_no, no, not _**That** _Pluto, the _**"Planet"** _Pluto!

**_Icarus..._**There's a _Planet_ Pluto!

**____****Hades{finally blowing his stack}...**YES there's a Planet Pluto! You bet yer little butt there is...or "WAS!"We're talking about the PLANET PLUTO!...The _**planet** _Pluto... which is MY planet. _**Everybody**_got a planet... Jupiter, Venus, Mars, Neptune, Mercury...even Ur_**anus**_ got a nice _big _one!

_**Hercules ..**_...uh...**_Beg _**your pardon?

**_Hades{ stomping around waving his arms}..._**and _all_ of a sudden, _**Guess**_which Planet doe'snt fit the criteria any more?...Planet **..._Pluto._ **Which should have been _**Planet Hades**_ in the first place..."Pluto!"...what pea brained idiotic moron even _**thought** _up that name?

**_Icarus..._.**Ok...that would be _me... _remember...in **_The Romans?"_**

_**Hades...**_arrchh! I _thought_ so!why... am I **_Not _**surprised!

_**Icarus...**_Yer _lucky._ My first choice was "Oswald."

_**Hades...**_**You_ Imbecile!_**

___**Icarus{to Cassandra}...**_Well, gee, it was better than_ "Uranus!"_

_**Hades{ stomping around some more in fury}...**_They All got to keep **_their _**planets! All of 'em!even **#*&^%%** **_Saturn!_**

_**Icarus{whispering to Cass}...**_I forgot...Who's Saturn again?

_**Cassandra...**_Prehistoric corn god, and believe it or not, Hade's father.

**_Icarus..._**Get outta town!Hades has a_**Father?**_

_**Cassandra...**_Oh _yeah. _Swallowed him alive when he was born. Vomited him up a few years later. They were never close.

_**Hades{ whirling around in rage}...**_**_What are you two talking about!_**

_**Cassandra...**_uh...shutting _up!_

_**Herc...**_Hades, you're being an awful poor sport about this. Not ALL the gods got planets! _Bacchus_ did'nt, for instance.

_**Icarus...**Hey!_If he did, he could have called it... _**"Planet of the Grapes!"**_

Everyone stares at Icarus.

_**Hades{ smoldering}...**_Go... A-_**way.**_

_**Herc...**_Hades, c'mon,it's no big loss...I mean...what were ya gonna _do _with it, anyway?

_**Hades...**_I was gonna build a condo on it! A cosy vacation spot...for me and the little missus. Whenever I got around to...getting myself a little missus.

_**Cassandra{ mumbling}...**_Talk about a _cold_ day in hell...

**____****Hades...**What... did you say?

_**Cassandra...**_uh...shutting up _again!_

_**Herc...**_Hades...Pluto's been there for _all this time_ and ya never did anything with it!

_**Hades...**_Hey! it was on my... "To Do" list!

_**Herc...**_But, gosh... it was'nt _that_ great a planet...I mean, it was a real outcast, all the way out in the middle of nowhere...never really fit in with the others...it was all alone, and dark... and tiny...crappy... and pretty worthless, actually, no one really _cared_ about it...

**_Cass..._**wow, Herc...you _really _walk into these things, don't you?...

_**Herc...**_huh?

**_Cass..._**remind me to remove the word "diplomat" from your business card.

_**Hades...**_I don't _care_ what the _Planet_ was like! it... was my _favorite _heavenly body!

_**Icarus{ attempting to slide his hands around Cassandra's waist**_**}**_**...**_I know what _my_ favorite heavenly body is!...

**_Cass_**_.**{whacking Icarus}** _Wider _orbit,_ Buddy!

_**Icarus{** **cringing, but undeterrred **}**...**_Ah! my _Bitter_ Blossom! my _Nubile_ Nightshade! it gladdens my heart just to think of you... and _me_...romping through Cupid's grove...

**_Cass_**_...** One**_ more word and you'll be romping through the _**Underworld.**_

_**Hades...**_OY! Can we get back to _**my**_ problems here? Other than your sad desparate non-existant love life?Pluto's been _**demoted!**_ 76 years of floating around minding its own business and Wham! downsized to _nothing..._

_**Herc...**_Well...not exactly _nothing_...they reclassified it as a _Dwarf _Planet.

_**Hades...**_**_They gave it to a Dwarf?_ a &^$#$&%^% ****_Dwarf_**! Which one? I'll **_Kill_** him! I hope it's Dopey. I **_HATE _**that guy!

_**Herc...**_No, Hades, it's _not_ Dopey-

_**Hades...**_ I'll walk right into that stupid little fairytale cottage and grab 'im by the short and curlies-

_**Herc**_**{in exasperation}**._**...Hades! **_you cannot barge into Snow White's cottage and grab Dopey by the short and curlies! It's not...** _nice!_**_..._plus...it's a _**really **_disturbing mental image...

**_Cass..._**_I'll _say... I may not get to sleep tonight.

_**Icarus...**_I may never sleep _again!_

___**Hades...**_**No one takes over my planet!**

_**Herc...**_Hades! wullya_ listen?_...it's not one of the _**Seven **_Dwarves, it called a "dwarf" planet cause...they ...thought..well... it was really too small to be a _real _planet...

_**Hades...**_Oh yeah, don't tell _**me **_size doe'snt matter...sure, Mr. Zeus, with his _Big-_Ass Jupiter, he gets the _hugest_ friggin' planet of them all!...

_**Herc...**_look... I'm sorry that _yours_ is smaller than _his-_

_**Icarus...**_wait...we're still talking ...about _planets_ now... right?

_**Cassandra...**_Does'nt sound like it...

_**Hades...**_oh yeah... not only is **_his_** the _**biggest**_ he's got _12 friggin' moons, _each one named after someone he _schtupped!...**.Ganymede, Callisto ,Leda, Europa, Io-**  
_"Hi, Everybody, I'm **_Zeus,_** _I'm_ the _best_ Lay in the whole *^^%%&* Universe!"

_**Icarus...**_no...I _don't_ think we're talking about planets anymore...

_**Cassandra...**_Figured that out, huh?

_**Herc...**_now... now, Hades...I'm sure you're a _very_ nice lay too. I mean, uh...I'm just _guessing_ here...

_**Cassandra...**_Smooth, Herc. _Real_ smooth.

_**Hades...**_I just can't _believe_ my luck!...first the movie the _sequel_ they cancel the TV show. **_Now_** they take away my planet!

_**Herc...**_Don't forget your Disney Villain doll. They pulled the plug on _that _too.

_**Hades...**_ARRRGGH!*&^%%$mother #&^%$ sucking*#!&^%$#$!

_**Herc...**_Hades, Please! This is a _family_ website!

_**Hades...**_That's _another_ thing...How is this gonna affect themovie?

_**Herc...**_huh?

_**Hades..."It's supposed to be ..."ALL" the planets...All!...not... "When eight planets and one dwarf planet no-one-gives-a-fuck -about line- up -ever- so- nicely!"**_

_**Icarus...**_It just doe'snt have the same ring, does it?

_**Hades...**_I-Want-The-Sun!

_**Herc{hands on hips in irritation}...**_You-already_-stole-_the-sun... once!...and almost destroyed the whole freakin' world, I might add!

_**Hades...**_OK, in retrospect... it was a _bad_ idea.

_**Herc...**_You can say _**That**_again!

_**Hades...**_Fine, yah, whatever...but I don't reallywant to **_own_** the sun, I just want it named After **_me!_**

_**Herc...**_Well...they're _not_ gonna do it, so your just gonna have to _live_ with it.

_**Hades...**_.OK.._.**I**_know...I'll give everyone of these NASA eggheads _diarrhea!.._.that' ll teach 'em!

_**Icarus...**_Taking the_ high _road, are we?

_**Herc...**_Hades, you **_can't_** go around giving astronomers diarrhea just because they've amended their findings!

_**Hades...**_.Oh, you _never_ let me have any fun!

_**Herc...**_Hades, making _them_ sick won't change scientifc data! It won't make anything different!

_**Hades...**_.yes it _will! **They'll**_ be sick and **_I'll_** be happy...hmm...I know! better idea!..I'll go on_ strike!_

_**Herc...**_Strike!

_**Hades...**_.Yes! I'll take off a few decades!...**_that's_** it! I won't lift one bony finger!I won't allow _anyone_ into Hades at all! Door's closed, flight's canceled, no more room at the inn! how doya like THEM pomagranates? I get my planet back **_OR_**... they'll be dead bodies stinking up the joint as _far_ as the eye can see! It will be worse than a Disney shareholder meeting! Pain! Panic! bring me my duty roster!ya know..that book of things I gotta do today!

Herc **_{ looking worried, and grabbing the pad from Panic}_**... _YOU_ have a duty roster?...oh... that _can't_ be good...**_{ looks down and reads}_**

**My Hadean List of Things To Do Today **

**I. ****kidnap and marry Aphrodite**

**II. greenlight new Adam Sandler movie**

**III. invent three new computer viruses**

**IV. have The Wiggles killed**

_H**ades**_**...**.uh huh.. good, good...huh...did you take care of _The Wiggles_ yet ?

**_Panic_** ...uh...not yet, Boss. Any particular way ya want it done?...maybe "execution style"?

_H**ades**_**...**Surprise me. Oh..and how about that guy on _Blue's Clues?_

_**Pain...**_We're workin' on it.

_H**ades**_**...**Good. Make that one painful. Something... _lingering. _

**_Panic..._**_**Can**_ do!

_**Icarus**_...Hey! ...I _liked_ Blue's Clues!

**_Cassandra._**...You _would._

_**Icarus**_...I just watched it yesterday...it was nice...it was sweet...it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...like I ate a caterpillar or somethin'...

**_Cassandra._**...You_ did._

_**Icarus**_...Well...yes. But I _also_ liked the show.

_**Hades{ staring at Icarus}**_ Are you finished? Because this conversation is 90%_ less _interesting than _you_ think it is.

_**Herc...**_Hades I-

_**Hades...**_Tut, tut, my Lad, no time to talk. I'm getting started on this new project asap{Whips out worm garnished martini and makes a toast}...Gentlemen? To **"Evil!"**-

_**Herc{ examining newspaper again}...**_...Wait! Wait! you're in luck! .._look_ at this!

_**Astronomers Discover Gigantic Strange New Planet  
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (UPI) - U.S. astronomers have discovered a planet unlike any other known in the universe. **_

_**Smithsonian scientists say the new planet was discovered using a network of small automated telescopes known as HATl. The planet - designated HAT-P-1 - orbits one member of a pair of distant stars 450 light-years away in the constellation Lacerta. **_

**_"We could be looking at an entirely new class of planets," said Gaspar Bakos, a Hubble fellow at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge, Mass. With a radius about 1.38 times that of Jupiter, HAT-P-1 is the largest known planet yet to exist... _**

_**Hades...**_I'll _take_ it!

_**Herc...**_...Okay...Good...hmmm...hold on, though..._**Hades, wait-**_

_**Hades...**_No time to lose, Wonder Boy!I'm off to make a **_killing_** in the real estate market...**_that's outta this world!_**

**Hades disappears in a flash.**

_**Herc{putting down the paper and shugging}...**_...huh...I did'nt even get a chance to tell him...

_**Cassandra**_... Tell him what?

**_Herc reads out loud_**...

**_"...With a radius about 1.38 times that of Jupiter, HAT-P-1 is the largest known planet. But, in spite of its huge size, its mass is only half that of Jupiter. _**

**_"This planet is about one-quarter the density of water,"astronmer Bakos said. "In other words, it's lighter than a giant ball of cork! Just like Saturn, it would float in a bathtub if you could find a tub big enough to hold it."_**

_**Icarus**_...Well...who cares? .as long as _he's _happy...the world is safe!...let's all go to the Speedy Pita to celebrate...I heard they have a special on Squid Loaf!

_**Herc**_...Sure, OK!

_**Cassandra**_...Oh, _Joy._..it's official..._my _decade's complete!

And that night, at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge, Massachusetts two astronomers are peering through their telescopes in curiosity and wonderment.

"Hey...Do **_you_** see what**_ I_** see?"

"I can't** _believe_**it"...

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